Typing THE END
And Other Things That Hit Different These Days
I typed THE END on manuscript number 12 the other day. This was an almost three-year labor of love (I wrote the first scene back in 2022) and finishing the first draft was a big goal I wanted to accomplish this year. This is huge, right? I should be over-the-moon excited about it, right? But I’m not. I’m not relieved. Not sad. Not happy. I’m honestly really not feeling anything about finishing this story.
Here are some reasons as to why that might be the case…
I wrote the final scene over a month ago but had five scenes to finish drafting that led up to that. So typing THE END on something that already had an end didn’t feel like a big rush to the finish, it just felt… completed, I guess.
Revising is going to take a shit-ton of work and time. The story is too long; already I have almost 400 comments of stuff I need to fix and that’s not even really big, big picture stuff. I know that once I reread it and fall back in love with this world and these characters, I will be invested and throw myself into it so hard that I’ll forget to eat. But thinking about it now exhausts me.
I don’t think this story will ever go anywhere other than the confines of my laptop. Which should be somewhat freeing in terms of revising, but I truly do love this story and these characters I’ve created and the thought of being the only one to ever read it is highly depressing.
Anyone else relate? Years ago, finishing a story, typing THE END, used to be such a rush, an exhilarating high I didn’t want to come down from. One story I wrote, maybe ten years ago, I was so pumped to finish, I wrote probably four thousand words in one sitting. And when I was done, despite knowing there were dauntless revisions ahead, I was so… elated. Proud. A genuine euphoric moment. I just don’t get like that anymore.
Whomp whomp.
Maybe it’s that I’m jaded to the whole publishing thing, wondering if I’ll ever publish anything traditionally. Or maybe it’s my age that has put me in this indifferent mindset. Maybe it’s the constant cycle of gruesome news that has me perpetually numb. Anyway, the whole experience with typing THE END on my most recent story got me thinking about other things that have been hitting different lately.
My seasonal outlook. Y’all, I am a summer girlie. Have been most of my life. I love to crash out on a lounger and bask in the sun for hours on end, loving (yes, loving) the ninety-degree weather and the promise of an abundance of sunshine, dreading fall and the cool weather that signals the end of my basking-in-the-sun days. Not so much anymore. Idk if it’s my age or menopause or just that I get a headache if I’m in the sun too long, but um… I can’t wait for fall. (I know… GASP. Shocked myself too with that statement). But it’s true. I think I’ve evolved into an autumn girlie. I already ordered my Leaves candle from Bath and Body Works and am counting down the days until Starbucks puts PSLs on the menu. I’m looking forward to cool morning walks and using my weighted blanket at night. (Side note: not a weighted blanket but a quilt of my husband’s soccer t-shirts that he bought me upon his retirement. But it’s so heavy, it feels what I imagine a weighted blanket feels like) So yeah, summertime definitely hits different these days.
The DC Universe. If you’re a frequent reader of my substack, you know I’m a huge Marvel stan. I do like DC characters, I do. I grew up watching Justice League every Saturday morning. I have a Wonder Woman costume. And I very much enjoyed the Superman and Batman movies of the eighties and nineties. But the recent stuff? Too dark for me. Like literally the whole screen is dark and I’m clueless as to what’s going on. Outside of the Suicide Squad movies and the first Wonder Woman, I just didn’t enjoy anything after Michael Keaton’s Batman.
But shout out to James Gunn because he has reinvigorated my love of DC. Peacemaker is an absolute gem of a show and the new Superman movie? Absolute perfection. One of the things I love about Marvel movies is the humor and the heart and it’s probably why Guardians of the Galaxy is one of my favorites. James Gunn was behind that one too and he brought that same level of emotion and hilarity to the DC Universe. Keep it coming, James Gunn. I am HERE FOR IT.
The news and honestly, all social media. I’ve never been a huge news watcher. I glance at the headlines on my Apple News feed and I get my daily dose of Heather Cox Richardson, but I can barely do that anymore. It’s just bad news after bad news after bad news. Same for social media. Instagram. Threads. The rare moment I open up Facebook. Everyone is angry. And sad. And for good reason. At first I would get enraged and saddened right along with them. Now I’m just… tired.
Not TikTok though THANK GOD. My algorithm is perfectly attuned to all my loves. Musicals. Philadelphia Eagles. Yelena core. Timothée Chalamet’s SNL sketches. Tom Holland’s “Umbrella” Lip Sync Battle. All the things that make me smile. Thank you, TikTok.
Writing in general. I just feel like it takes me FOREVER to write something these days. I’ll camp out in my writing space, wanting to get a thousand words in or revise a chapter and at the end of a writing session I’ll have maybe written three hundred words or revised a whopping paragraph. Used to be I’d get up at four in the morning and bang out a chapter or two before I went to work. Even just a few years ago, I wrote a 50K story in a month. Now? Getting 500 words in a day feels like a huge achievement. Ugh. I just feel so slow these days.
Erin Bowman (Edgar Award-nominated author of the Taken trilogy, Vengeance Road, and many other amazing books) recently posted about this very thing. I’ll share the link here but here are a few lines that really resonated with me.
I am absolutely starting to question my own skills and writing chops. I’m not nearly as confident in myself as I was several years ago. And on top of it all, I am currently slower than I’ve ever been…Skill and experience have made my process slower, because my bar has risen, and it takes a lot of time/revision for me to be pleased with a draft.
Yep. Yep. And also… YEP. So true. But also SO FRUSTRATING.
But I still love the process of writing. When I’ve got my freshly reheated coffee and I open up that doc and I’m immersed in a world I’ve created and love, that…. that is the euphoric feeling. Takes forever to freaking draft something (see above) but I do love being immersed in it.
And as for that 470-page, 100+K doc I just saved in several places? I do love it. So, So much. Even if those euphoric finished-first-draft feels are gone, even if this story ends up being for my eyes only, I know once I get back in there and start the revising process, I will fall in love with this story all over again.
Thanks for reading, friends.
Alison